from K / 9/27

FINALLY

September 27, 2017

I changed my password, locking everyone out of my site. It feels akin to getting a new notebook and pulling out a black .38 and having a bottle of wine and an hour to myself.

Something hit me last night while I was taking a bath. There are things I never learned. Like what your morning routine is. Do you shower, make coffee, eat on the way to work? Do you make coffee, shower, not eat? I don’t know what shampoo you use. Do you use conditioner?

It’s not drives that get me, it’s evenings. It’s the uncertainty and wondering what you’re doing at any given moment. Wanting to know what you’re caring about. What concerns you? What’s bringing you joy today? What made you sad yesterday? What direction are you taking on these bold decisions you need to make? I wonder it all.

I hate missing you too. It’s been harder than I’d admit to anybody but you. I’m also really in need of a place to write. Like you, it’s something I need. If it was what I wanted, it would be a near-constant flow.

This feels good.

I hope you got my little messages. Thank you for yours.

And no weddings for me besides my cousin's on the 3rd, if I can make it.

Kolina CIcero0 Likes 

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last writing 8:23p mon

 

 

This is a silly format but it was all I could think of for now. Don't mind the Squarespacey template junk. No one can find this unless they had the link. This will self-destruct in four, three, two... :)

The part about losing the ability to simply check in is what hurts. 

We obviously can't leave secret messages in emails every day. I don't feel at all guilty for just hoping you're doing well, and things in your day, or your week, are making you happy or frustrated or anything at all. I guess I don't deserve to know. If it's fair to send me three capital letters then why can't we just talk. It doesn't have to be.. whatever anyone else would call it. Unfaithful. I think the pain comes from just not knowing, you know? It comes from wondering so many things, simple things, throughout the day, and night. 

It's fine. It's better to not. Logically. Certainly.

I know what we cannot have, and I know we both deal with that, and will keep dealing with it, in whatever ways we can. I'm assuming the same goes for you, but I've had good days, and bad days. I've learned things, and I can honestly say that I am still just filled with so much gratitude. But also, I think I just don't know what we can have. I was overjoyed, just overjoyed, when I got those three capital letters. But where does that lead? Can we check in every now and then? We made something very complex, and we have been earnest in deciding that we will be good to those who expect us to be. I trust you will do that, and you can trust that I will too. 

Listen. I haven't thought this through completely but I just needed to get this out, because frankly it was killing me. Not to put too fine a point on it. I would be so very sad if this message (this strange message) freaked you out, or made you uncomfortable. I've considered that you may not even want to respond at all- I mean, I know you would probably want to, but decide against it, and I would be okay with that. I'm writing this for me. I think we have things to say - just normal, innocent, nice things, especially to amicably work out removing each other from our daily lives.

Now that I've written this I don't even know what my point was, or whether or not I'm actually asking anything. Perhaps I'll just leave it there. 

Maybe it's this, though: If you are okay with it- I think an actual email would be so wonderful to receive. It's less faithful to send capital letter code than to just express things clearly and openly with the intent of only updating. But even typing that feels like it could be a bad idea. 

This sure is tough. I'm sorry. Do me one favor though. Just tell me directly if writing this was not okay, because I have no idea anymore. I do NOT want to be part of making you question yourself or your decisions, so I'm looking to you for a little more guidance. I can go away. I can be cool and just check in every now and then. I can do some kind of creative version of the two, but most importantly, I'm just glad I wrote the letter when I did, because it said everything. I can't tell you how glad I am I did that. Because you know what? It means that you can continue knowing that, and possibly, let me know how you're doing without us having to feel guilty about not fulfilling our promises to others.